shit happens.
Friday, April 30, 2010
The Diving Bell & The Butterfly
Brilliant piece of work, really. Film about a stroke victim, told from his point of view. He can't speak, everything was recorded by the blinking of his eyes at the correct letter the alphabet his speech therapist is reciting over and over again. It helps too that the speech therapist is a gorgeous lady, eye candy of the film :). But then again, it's a really sad film. A guy living such an awesome life, from an editor of Elle magazine, everything falling apart overnight after he developed stroke. Really got me thinking, if this were to happen to me or any of my close friends one day. Not that I'm being foul-mouthed, but the thoughts of such scenarios happening, really, really gets me teary-eyed.
Thoughts running through my head, like a McFlurry.
Lots of thoughts right now, tis' is gonna be a long post.
I'm an unconventional introvert. I'm introverted by nature, really. I'm shy around new people. I can't strike up a fresh conversation. I'm a listener more than a talker cus I believe we evolved (no religion whatnot here) to have 2 ears on our sides of our heads for a reason, and not 2 mouths. I enjoy solitude. I like to do me-stuffs. I enjoy walking alone, long quiet walks with my head drowned in any form of music, classical to jazz, metal to mandopop. I enjoy staying home on weekends, actually.
But some people feel otherwise. They think I'm this crazy cursing muthafucker. They think I'm an extrovert. They think that I don't think. Well, if I appear this way to you, congratulations, 'cus you're inducted into Harris' hall of fame. You're now a close friend to me now. You're grouped under 'small bunch of friends an introvert likes hanging out with'. Good for you.
I don't like to do things I'm not good at. I'm egoistic. I don't play basketball cus I suck at it. I don't play games when people are looking. I seek to impress. I don't play my bass in front of people cus I think I'm not good enough. I don't run with people cus I'm afraid they'll talk about my pacing, my speed, my breathing. I'm that weird a person.
And there's a difference between narcissism and high self-esteem. Reading a book, The Ego Boom, and it analyses this fact very well. How the advertising sector is making use of this point, and marketing stuffs to you to make you feel good about yourself.
Talking about the advertising sector. It's one of those places where I would like to go venture in. Hmm just a thought, attempting to make it a reality.
I've always wanted to travel the world with a camera. This has been the longest aspirations I've ever had. But,
1) I first, need a camera.
2) I need the time+money to do so. Okay, I may get a job that allows me to travel and travel. That's where my idea as a freelance journalist/writer came from, but also. The money factor is huge.
Oh man, so much for getting away and roaming the world. May my dreams come true one day.
Liverpool lost to Atletico last night. It really evoked strong emotions in me. The fact that I was almost on the verge of bursting into tears after I heard the results, and a friend next to me commented "You got bet soccer one meh? Never bet soccer you watch until like that for what", it almost made me kill him on the spot. Like seriously. Don't you understand, I've been watching and rooting for this team for almost 10 years. It's grown onto me. I refer to Liverpool as a We, not Them. I've seen Gerrard grow from a kid, to an influential Captain. I've seen players come and go. I've seen managers change. I've seen the gloriest moments of comebacks for cup wins. I've seen them throttle heavyweight teams. It's really affecting. Don't you dare mention anything like this ever again.
I miss life.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Awkward.
Me and my dad don't talk much. It has been this way since I was little. Or at least since I could remember. We sometimes don't even acknowledge each other when we walk past each other on the streets, or even as absurd as when we share the same lift. I know, I'm not proud of this fact but seriously, sometimes the air around us just spells A-W-K-W-A-R-D.
A typical conversation between my mom and I would be like:
Mom "Eh what you want to eat for lunch"
Me "Anything la hor"
"What anything? Think what you want leh. Rice or noodles? Chicken or Duck? Western? Japanese?"
"Hmm, noodles not filling leh. Then the downstairs japanese food so cui. Aiya don't know lah"
....
(Goes on forever)
However, between my dad and I;
Dad "Eat what?"
Me "Anything can"
Me "Anything can"
"What anything?"
(To save myself the awkwardness) "Chicken rice"
And I end up eating chicken rice everytime he asks that question. And when he realises it too,
"Chicken rice again?"
"Okay hor fun."
Sigh. I tried even saying "Dad I'm home" but seriously I can't bring myself to say it. It's not that I don't love him or that I don't like his existence, but seriously it's damn paiseh. Especially if it hasn't been a practice for 20 years. When we talk our eyes just dart all over the place, the floor, the ceilings, our fingernails, but just not at each other.
Yeh, really random post. Cus my dad just asked me what I wanted for dinner.
There goes the fear again,
You turned around and life passed you, again.
That was some, closure I pulled out haven't I. Such a wonderful closure that now, I can't even gather the courage to talk to you or sth. Or perhaps, I can't even talk to you now. Sucks, I have so much to say to you but I can't. So much I want to tell you. I'll just leave em all for myself.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Redundant, I would say
The only person/company/people who mails me is the National Library Board. Always, always when I borrow a book, I never seem to finish it. I get past the initial introductions, the build-up and all, but I wouldn't ever reach the climax or the twist. Blame it on reading fatigue, I would say. Too short a concentration span?
Then I'll get fined, like a punishment for reading the book too slowly. Sometimes I'll just picture this old, fat lady holding a cane screaming "There, there, now you owe me $0.60 cus you couldn't finish the book on time! Let's see if this would happen again with your next book!"
And it always happens. I always end up paying over $5 for each book. I'd be better off buying some 2nd handed books from Bras Basah, at least they're 2nd handed. Library books are well, 3492934th handed. Right, it's seriously just my own fault that I take really long to finish a book, if I ever manage to, but can't blame me alright.
I tried doing some self-studying on Spanish. Being the cheapskate that I am, I borrowed the books from the library instead of just forking out a small sum to purchase one of 'em books. So within 4 weeks, all I could manage was just pronunciation of a couple of consonants and vowels and like say, 10 words? My cheapskate alter-ego then returned the books, waited for the librarypeople (or librarians. I hate that word reasons unknown) to sort em out, put em back on the shelves, and borrow it again a few days later. Apparently this didn't work out that well la hor, and eventually I put my español lessons on an indefinite hiatus.
I always have a number of books on hand that I would want to read, but I've never wanted to start on any one of them simply cus I know I wouldn't be able to finish any one, and that would seriously spoil the books. Spoil as in, 破坏形象. My angmoh cui, cannot think of a word to sub that.
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Read through my blogposts all the way from 06 till today's. I've changed a lot, I dare say. I was this fucking whiner who used to whine all day long about homework, not having enough time and money. (after typing this out, I realised I still am. it has been a poor 4 years. poor thing harris.)
But I have changed alot la hor. Some posts made me laugh, some made me go sad all over again. Some simply, (serious) made me point a big middle finger at myself. The stupid things I used to do, say, and all. Some things just don't change, but seriously some of these needs to change ASAP.
It's nice having an avenue to deposit memories, be it a blog, diary, or in some cases a box full of random stuffs from the past (don't know if people actually do this. But it's a cliche in tv dramas ainnit?) for us to look back. We may have forgotten all these stuffs, but in these places, memories don't get erased. Unless there's a datawipe off blogspot/wordpress/livejournal but whatever la, I think I spoke too much.
And to think back, that was the stupidest 1month spent.
Made me broke,
made me mindfucked,
made me a fool.
I'm on a week's MC this whole week, thus the free time. Hurt my foot, and in exchange I got this long break. Naise. But seriously, it hurt.
Monday, April 19, 2010
I really am such a sucker for romantic films
Just caught Lost in Translation. Awesome film with brilliant acting by Johansson. Yah, the fact that my wife acted in the film played a part, but seriously, it was brilliant acting. She was only 18 then!
Sad romantic films are always a tearjerker for me, though the tears don't really flow out (?)
(500) days of summer, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, and now lost in translation. Sad, sad films really.
I hate it always when romantic films end up happy. Like seriously, sad stuffs occur more than happy stuffs. How many more couples break up as compared to couples who are on the verge of seperating, but cus of some random event they can get married within a day, by running to the altar on foot or something. These sad films really show what's real.
SPOILER
Like in 500 days of summer, after a 500 day long relationship, they break up. Shows the harsh reality, that no matter how sweet and lovinglydovey you can get at first, all may not end well. Zooey told the guy who was a fool for love and marriage that she isn't a marriage or commitment kind of girl, and they agreed to go out on a relationship with no strings attached, no deep feelings for each other. After they broke up, she went on to get married with a guy she barely dated for long, simply cus 'he is the one'. Sucks to be him, really, being such a fool for her and thats what bitchslapped him in his face at the end of it.
Similarly in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, after a quarrel they went to erase their memories of each other (sounds lame but its a really nice movie). And during the process when they realise that they in fact want to keep the memories, it's too late for them to reverse the process. They wake up the next morning with no recollection whatsoever of each other, of how they had been such a loving couple just the night before. Tearjerker, yes.
I can go on and on and really, noone would want to listen. But this is me la hor, I like to talk and discuss about movies on and on.
I'm also one of them, a fool for love.
Here I am again
Drawn back to this place. Left it many years back, takin away only memories, not even left a footprint. Never did I expect myself to be attracted by the very same place again.
I love this place stil, the ambience and how it makes me feel all happy and calm. The place may have changed a little, but I certainly hope they still welcome me back to this place.
I think I've fallen for this place all over again.
I love this place stil, the ambience and how it makes me feel all happy and calm. The place may have changed a little, but I certainly hope they still welcome me back to this place.
I think I've fallen for this place all over again.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
It's normal, no?
I like to see celebrities on te red carpet. I like to see em all pretty and suave. That's right, not just gorgeous blonde bombshells and tanned sexy brunettes. Guys included.
Even star awards, I'm a sucker for well dressed celebrities in their gowns and suits. Talking about suits, I've always wanted to don a smart suit, go to an atas cocktail reception. That's actually what I'm aiming for in life, living an atas life.
Even star awards, I'm a sucker for well dressed celebrities in their gowns and suits. Talking about suits, I've always wanted to don a smart suit, go to an atas cocktail reception. That's actually what I'm aiming for in life, living an atas life.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
自卑,
Sounds better than 'to feel inferior', but that's how I feel sometimes yknow. When I see how people can work so hard just for their goals, sacrificing so much precious time, it just makes me feel this way, cnt help it.
I lose track of my targets and goals easily, and I'm not one with realistic selftargets to begin with. I start off all enthusiastic and all, and just run out of steam like *snap*.
I've been talking about saving money and all the bull, but I'm not taking any initiative nor doing anything to chnge my current lifestyle. I still initiate suppers, sit around and not look for weekend jobs, not starting a saving plan. I see my friends, some of them even willin to take up 2 or 3 jobs, just to fulfill this very same aim as like mine. 自卑, yes.
All the talk about losing weight and getting back in shape, hah. Okay, I've been running quite often and steadily now, but as often as I am still having those late night suppers and overconsuming my meals. Blahblah i'm fatris now.
I lose track of my targets and goals easily, and I'm not one with realistic selftargets to begin with. I start off all enthusiastic and all, and just run out of steam like *snap*.
I've been talking about saving money and all the bull, but I'm not taking any initiative nor doing anything to chnge my current lifestyle. I still initiate suppers, sit around and not look for weekend jobs, not starting a saving plan. I see my friends, some of them even willin to take up 2 or 3 jobs, just to fulfill this very same aim as like mine. 自卑, yes.
All the talk about losing weight and getting back in shape, hah. Okay, I've been running quite often and steadily now, but as often as I am still having those late night suppers and overconsuming my meals. Blahblah i'm fatris now.
Friday, April 9, 2010
I admit the following:
I've always admired happy couples. Loving couples. Random couples just walking hand-in-hand down the street. My favourite kind of movies are those romance comedies, or simply romance dramas. I'm a fool for love. So foolish sometimes I just mess things up. Big time.
I'm shy around new people, people I've never talked to. I'm shy-er around attractive people, not just girls. Inferiority complex. I stammer. I can't maintain eye contact. I talk rubbish.
Most of my jokes are recycled ones. Sometimes even when I quote from my friends, they're not even first-handed jokes. I quote from sitcoms. Movies. Books. People. And sometimes I make em such that they had as if happened to me. But that kind of shit brings about laughter, so who gives a shit.
I suck at maintaining a good boy-girl friendship. I've tries to hit on/fell in love with/had a crush on almost every single girl I've known in my life so far. And most of these friendships screwed up and I've never talked to them ever again. I suck at this.
I'm an attention seeker. I sometimes interrupt convos with one liners or random observations to make sure my prescence is still felt. I can't help it.
I am disgustingly selfcentred. I am a 'me' person. I read up peoples blogs and when a person is vaguely mentioned or referred to I think that it would somewhat involve me.
I am incredibly impatient. When people don't get certain stuffs or understand em, I'll be thinking whattheheck is wrong with you. It's so bloody simple and you can't get it? No I'm not gonna explain to you, you try to get it yourself, your dumbass brain needs some exercising. Okay I'm getting too carried over.
This is what too much free time does to you. Quiet moments and reflections. 100% genuinity and honesty.
I'm shy around new people, people I've never talked to. I'm shy-er around attractive people, not just girls. Inferiority complex. I stammer. I can't maintain eye contact. I talk rubbish.
Most of my jokes are recycled ones. Sometimes even when I quote from my friends, they're not even first-handed jokes. I quote from sitcoms. Movies. Books. People. And sometimes I make em such that they had as if happened to me. But that kind of shit brings about laughter, so who gives a shit.
I suck at maintaining a good boy-girl friendship. I've tries to hit on/fell in love with/had a crush on almost every single girl I've known in my life so far. And most of these friendships screwed up and I've never talked to them ever again. I suck at this.
I'm an attention seeker. I sometimes interrupt convos with one liners or random observations to make sure my prescence is still felt. I can't help it.
I am disgustingly selfcentred. I am a 'me' person. I read up peoples blogs and when a person is vaguely mentioned or referred to I think that it would somewhat involve me.
I am incredibly impatient. When people don't get certain stuffs or understand em, I'll be thinking whattheheck is wrong with you. It's so bloody simple and you can't get it? No I'm not gonna explain to you, you try to get it yourself, your dumbass brain needs some exercising. Okay I'm getting too carried over.
This is what too much free time does to you. Quiet moments and reflections. 100% genuinity and honesty.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
To safely quote,
Friends like this, all that I ask for ♥
Even a random screwed up trip to Sentosa can turn out so lovely and eventful. Simply cus we're this bunch of retarded friends, and it's fun hanging around no matter where. We just have our kind of random fun, don't we.
And there's this urge, legend says it comes when you're around 1 year into serving the nation. This random feeling to just ORD asap. It's past that 1 year mark that you realise:
1) You've had enough of 1 year of occupiedweekdays and limitedweekends crap.
2) It's only 1 more year to go, and you can reeealy feel it now.
3) Then you realise you're only halfway through, and you're sick of this shit.
4) But you think of it another way, you;re ALREADY halfway through, so you're close to it now! Then you start thinking about how it would be like 1 year later, and the urge resets all over again.
---
Thinking about future again. I think I've not yet come to a realization that this is going to be MY future and I can't reset it.
There's always this comewhatmay or whenthetimecomes bullshit that shrouds me and it sucks la, seriously. Kok told me in my face that a Major in communications is gonna be bullshit and this questioned my passion. So easily shaken, what sort of a 'i-like-to-do' kinda thing is that. Arguments about how the top communications students in poly are making their way to FASS or NTU comms to continue their streaks, and about how this career just winds up as pathetic as a 9-to-5 job and all. Sigh.
Again, we'll see what happens, come what may. When life gives you lemons, you deep-fry fish fillets and strips of potatoes to make a nice plate of fish 'n chips. Okay that had no relation to the previous sentence whatsoever.
I want to live in big big house drive big big car.
