shit happens.
may not sound like it,
but the few simple texts between us made me bar myself from smoking. before i take a puff, ill rmb what you said and all. thanks really. i guess thats what friends are for. being there for each other and guiding each other onto the right paths.
and i guess im settling here. no more reaching for clouds, or even jumping. ill just be glad whenever the clouds lie low and just brushing past my face. i wont try to grab em or keep em. in case ill miss the feeling when the clouds aint lying low next time.
lousy analogy but you get it.
booyah friday duty saturday confinement. and i lied to my mom about this aint being a confinement but i had to stay back and do smth, and ill get an off in return.
srsly im messed up.
booking on on sunday morning and booking in the same night.
12 consecutive nights in camp, i counted. holy fuckshit.
That's it?
Okay I'm done with the self-harm and heavy lungs. That's it.
And I'm not gonna give a fuck about you ever again. That's it.
I'm gonna start studying for my SATs. That's it.
How I Met Your Mother 5 seasons, 103 episodes, That's it?
Big Bang Theory 3 seasons, 55 episodes more. Talking about a lack of dramas to watch. That's it!
It's only monday and I feel like booking out. That's it.
And I think I'm still gonna give a fuck about you. That's not it.
There's just too many things coming all at once
Ambitions. I lacked em since young. I never knew what I was gonna do. I mean, I always have those fantasies that don't last long.
Cartoon animator.
Architect.
Entrepreneur.
Pilot.
Architect again.
Web designer.
Now it's with journalism/photojournalism.
Not sure if this is gonna be another one o those shortlived fantasies again. And I can't risk it anymore. I'm 20 already. Picking my path already.
Now I'm enrolled into nus fass. Reapplication window opening soon already, don't know if I'm gonna change my application or stay with it. I may regret. Doing either one, noone knows.
And this is just one of the problems bugging me. Now, please understand and don't blame if I start smoking. It's just one of em rough patches in life.
And I suck at this cat and ball game. I'm just like tossing the whole ball of yarn to you all the time. Oh well, not something new ainnit. Happens all the time. I've gotten used to this shit anyway.
And family problems piling up as well. Mom admitted she's tired of working 362 days a year 24/7 and earning not even 2k a month. Mentioned smth about wanting me to start working and enter the society asap so that I can start providing and she can finally retire.
Granddad's condition not in the very best, now I may not seem like I care much, but I do in fact. I may not really like him, but what I'm worried about is how Ahma will react, how my mom and aunts will react. How ahma will live all alone in that flat of hers. Ah unimaginable. We'll just wait till the time comes.
All these and now facing the risk of getting hooked in cigarettes. Now everytime I walk past a mama shop or 7-11 I have this internal struggle with myself whether or not to part with that $10 to harm my own body for that few minutes of feel-good relaxation. Now I understand what they mean by getting hooked on smoking. I thought I was strong-enough. I thought i could control. Damn.
All these and a lot more personal problems. I need a stick. Now. Please understand and forgive
you just made me break my sacred self-promised pact
purchasing my own pack of cigs. [threw it away after 2 sticks anyway, still regretting]
fine witht he ocassional random puffs from other peoples sticks and all, but i was just feeling miserable and all i went to take an mc, didnt want to book in, walking around with all my book-in stuffs and well, smoked cigs with money from mah own pocket.
but i guess it was just one of em angsty days. woke up today feeling totally fine, [and yah, all the fake fever tweets were just there for my sis to see] and boy am i feeling all guilty about faking a fever.
step 1 eat toothpaste
step 2 develop sore throat + fever in 30mins
step 3 mc
what i didnt expect
step 4 mom worries
step 5 she woke up at 4+ to cook porridge for me before leaving for work at 5.30
step 6 mom calls me to ask if im fine despite being busy at work
yah i deserve to burn in hell.
i know this shit is safe cus you dont ever read this.
seriously, this bittersweetness is killing me. one moment youre happy to be around me and the next you can just turn stonecold. like wtf seriously.
when i wasnt around you kept asking when i would be back and all, like theres this feeling of longing somewhere in there. when im back, what. no nothing. you waiting for me to make the first move? sometimes i feel that way. sometimes it pays off, but sometimes it just makes me look like a jerk who keeps wanting to hang out with ye cus ure hot. i dont understand this fuckshit.
seriously i dont know why im so affected and all but. iwas starting to dilute those impressions i used to have of you, but now its like youre telling me to do otherwise.
and i dont like how im always doing considerations before i speak, a habit i need to get rid of. i think so much, i get oversensitive, i regret shit that ive done. i need to get over this immaturish shit and just learn to be myself.
i have no idea where this is headed. and i dont wanna know. go with the flow perhaps, with the flow.
hot and cold, bitter and sweet.
but i have to admit, i enjoy spending time with you and i hope its the same for you too.
/angstiest post ever.
Bore
Haven't been blogging much.
Highlights:
goddamnit MUSE. AWESOMEST SHIT AND BEST SHOW IVE EVER BEEN TO.
okay sums up the past month.
